Dating sexually abused women
When I went back to her apartment, the kitten was everywhere attacking everything."I'm sorry," she said, "I've historically been more of a dog person." As we were chatting on the couch, she told me, in a casual sort of way, that she'd been raped. I made a joke about "terrible men," quickly followed up with, "Of course, not all men are terrible," to which she responded, "I wouldn't object if you said that." Her sexual orientation was difficult to label.Both seemed expressions of a desire for intimacy, but where men communicated wants, women communicated trauma.As you might expect, I was more like the women I dated, in that opening to intimacy would necessitate an accounting of my own trauma.I had only articulated what he already knew but was pretending he didn't.
Eventually I lost all sexual desire, and have now been single for a year and a half.
By 14, I had been bombarded with so much sexual harassment that I had normalized the feeling of it.
I knew I didn't like it, but it didn't feel strange. It's a very particular sensation but hard to describe, almost like nausea mixed with sadness and shock.
I cried the first few times I felt it, but it soon became so common that I started numbing myself to it.
By the time I was in high school, I was already fairly numb. I said nothing, but I resolved never again to say yes when I didn't want sex.
However, I wasn't ready to face that until after connecting with the pain that other women had encountered.